Hajime Saitou Private Investigator
by Saemus McNally
Summary: Saitou's been assigned a new case of returning Sano's kitty, but is he in for more than he's charging? Or is this just zany madcap humor? AU of course
1. Default Chapter

This story is really, just nonsense modeled after those old Forties movies about the detective and that broad who comes in with a big hat.

Typical Disclaimer: I don't own anything, suing me would just be a waste of our time.

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Hajime Saitou P.I.

The Case of the Ahou and His Kitty

  
  
  
  


I hate nights like these. Smoggy, wet, hot and sticky nights where all you can do is sit at your desk and smoke a cigarette while nursing a glass of gin. It also doesn't help that I'm bored out of my mind.

Work has been pretty slim pickings for this P.I. Ever since I finally wrapped up that Megumi drug ring case, I haven't had any clients since. Although, to be fair it was a brilliant scheme she had going. Who would suspect a well to do doctor would be the head of such an elaborate drug smuggling program. Well, of course I suspected it. That's what they pay me to do. Solve cases like that. I got some good cash for that case too.

  
  


But that case was long since over. I needed work. Tokio was nipping at my heels for rent money. Apparently, they had cut off our hot water. Not really a problem. I liked cold showers, sometimes. But when Tokio wants that rent money, I had better damn well get it to her. I just hope she doesn't realize I'm insured. I would just hate to have an "accident".

  
  


So really all I could do was sit at my desk, with my feet on the desk, leaning back in my chair with my hands cradling my head. It's so hot and humid tonight. I began falling asleep in my chair.

  
  


And then in stormed trouble, with his dashing good looks and the smell of cheap perfume mixed with sweat and rain. With his dark brown hair matted down to his face and on top of that red bandana, because of the rain, and his shirt clinging to his chest and his black pants scandalously tight. Trouble really took me by surprise, and I fell out of my chair and onto my back.

Quickly regaining my composure I stood up and sat myself back in my chair. Holding my hands together and setting them on my desk, I stared at the kid with a glare that I know would have cut through any other man. However, it didn't phase this guy in the least. He just returned it with a cocky grin. Obviously trying to hold back the laughter he had from me falling out of my chair. Kids like this are nothing but trouble.

  
  


"What can I do for you, young man?" I asked, probably in a more polite tone than was necessary. But hey, if he was a future client, I didn't want him running off because I was 'mean'. It's happened before. Tokio's often said I could freeze hellfire with my coldness.

  
  


The rude little bastard just smirked and chuckled to himself. Then he pointed at the box of Kleenex I had sitting at the corner of my desk. "Do you mind?" He asked as he took the tissue without waiting for an answer.

  
  


"Not at all, while you clean yourself up maybe you should tell me what you're doing here."

"Well, I have some work you might be interested in. I know you haven't had a case in a while." Damn, this kid was almost as good as I was. Well, maybe not that good. 

  
  


"What kind of case might this be?" I asked, holding back the urge to push the kid out the window.

"A missing person. Someone very dear to me has been kidnaped by an ex-lover. I'm a wreck without her. I- I..." He was breaking down. I could see the tears rolling down his face, that could have been rain, but it was obvious he was crying. Fumbling for words as motioned for him to take a seat. Then I reached into my desk and pulled out another shot glass and filled it with gin. I set the glass and the bottle at the edge of my desk. The kid grabbed the bottle and chugged it. That's really not what I had in mind when I offered him my gin.

  
  


When the kid had finally calmed himself down a bit after drinking about half of my bottle of gin I began the questions again. "Okay so what does she look like?"

"She has green eyes, thinner than she looks. Long orange hair. And she has a studded collar with her ID tag."

I was stunned. "W-What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"On her forehead her stripes make something that looks like an M and she has extremely long whiskers. She's still very young so she's kinda small."

"Are you suggesting I go looking for a, a, a CAT!?" 

"Why, yes! Of course. Why? Are you allergic or something?"

"No! But I'm a private investigator! Not a veterinarian!" I barked as I took my gin back from him and swigged some myself.

  
  


Suddenly, out of the blue, the kid just started bawling again. He put his head on the edge of my desk and wrapped his arms around his head and just cried. What the hell was wrong with this kid anyway? Maybe he had too much of my gin. I leaned back in my chair. "Hey, come on now. Quit it. Christ, okay, FINE! I'll take the bloody case."

  
  


As if he hadn't been crying at all he sat up immediately and grinned at me. "GREAT!"

  
  


"Now, I suggest we begin the subject of compensation." He stared at me, as if I had eight heads and a snake coming out of each. "What the hell did you just say? Are you calling me a thief!?" He stood up and started shouting at me, dripping water all over my desk. Muffling a laugh, I smirked at the kid and said, "Compensation means money. Can you even afford my services?"

  
  


With that he gave me a look I hadn't seen in a while. Tokio stopped looking at me like that after our third child. He slithered his way around the corners of the desk and stood next to me. Before I could react he slid his arms around my neck and sat his wet ass on my lap. Giving me bedroom eyes and bringing his warm face close to mine he whispered, "I'm sure there's something I can do to pay you."

And then I pushed him off of me and he landed on the floor with a wet thud. "Unless your body is covered in 'greenbacks' I will only accept cash." Man, if I had a camera then I would have taken a picture of the kid's face. It was priceless. He was just so incensed after being shot down. Telling from how pissed he got he'd gotten away with using his body as payment a good many times before me. Ah, the idiocy of youth.

  
  


He got off his ass and made his way back to his chair. He glared at me for a long while, and I just smiled my infamously wicked smile back at him. The kid was silent for a good while until finally he hug his head, "Fine, I can pay you. Whatever you ask, just, PLEASE find my little Mew-mew!" 

  
  


"Mew-mew?" I couldn't help myself. I let the laugh slip.

"HEY! Don't laugh! It's a beautiful name!" The kid was now blushing like an idiot. It was almost cute. Okay, maybe I had too much gin. 

  
  


Swallowing that lump in my throat, "So, when was the last time you saw Mew-mew?"

"Yesterday, in my apartment. We had just moved in a week earlier after breaking up with K- eh, my ex-lover. I usually leave the flat only for work and to go to the store. Then, yesterday, I came home and she was GONE! With a note left next to her water bowl"

"Do you have the note with you?"

"Ah, yes. I do" He dug around in the pocket of his pants. He had to lean back on the top of his chair, stretching his back so it was straight as he dug his hand into the minuscule pocket. No, I wasn't aroused. I swear. After he had pulled the sopping paper out of his pocket he handed it over to me.

  
  


I was expecting a typical ransom note. The kind with newspaper and magazine cut outs glued onto the paper and the like. This is what the letter said in almost unintelligible handwriting.

"Sano,

How dare you leave with my Mew-mew.

I'm taking her to where you'll never find her.

To my underground mob casino.

Don't show this to a cop or whatever.

'Cause if they find out about my underground layer then I'm pretty screwed.

Best Wishes,

Ex-lover Kenshin"

  
  


I almost couldn't believe it. What were these people thick or something? I mean who leaves a ransom note in their own handwriting, with their own signature, pleading for the person not to go to the cops because it'll ruin their organized crime? This case might just be the easiest thing I've ever had to deal with. I should charge double.

  
  


"Your ex-lover is Kenshin the Mob lord?" I asked raising one eyebrow, trying my best not to smile or laugh like a hyena at how stupid this all was. For one, this was all just incredibly ridiculous, for two, Kenshin? His ex-lover? He might as well have gone for a little woman child.

  
  


"Yes, we had a real bad break up after I found him sleeping with the lounge singer Kaoru. And he tried to kill me a few times. But that was excusable. Not that woman though" This kid really needed to sort out his priorities. 

  
  


"So where is hi-", my question was cut short when out of the kid's stomach rolled a huge roar of hunger. His eyes were saucers and I paused half way with lighting a cigarette. I just stared at him until I realized the match was burning my finger. I shook my hand putting out the flame and asked the kid, "Eh, would you rather we continued this conversation over some food? We can go down to the bar downstairs."

  
  


"Y-Yeah, th-that sounds good." He was stuttering like a stuck pig. I stood up and grabbed my coat and hat off the rack. I looked back at him sitting in the chair. He was giving me a weird look. Like he wanted to ask me something. "What is it?"

  
  


"Do you have an umbrella I can borrow? I'm trying to drive off here." I pointed to my umbrella also hanging on the rack. I opened the door to my office and followed the kid out. Man, he was really still soaked. His shoes were making those squishy sounds, his shirt was see through, and his pants were clinging to his ass. I really should stop looking at his ass.

  
  
  
  


TBC

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::looks at lawsuit papers from Saitou and his attorney's:: I'm being forced to apologize for the fact that Saitou-san would never, EVER fall out of his chair.


	2. The Mistress Soba

Hajime Saitou P.I.

Case of the Ahou and his Kitty

  
  


So the boy and I walk out of my office and out of the building, and into the ungodly pouring rain. How's that saying go? God is crying? Who cares? The only thing I'm concerned with is the kid is walking slightly too fast for my leisurely pace. And he's taking my umbrella with him.

I hurry after him until we're walking at the same pace. I think I remember something about an old Japanese joke about two people and an umbrella. But I can't remember it right. It doesn't matter. The kid just suddenly stops at the corner.

"So by 'the bar downstairs' you meant not in this building and down the street?" He looked at me with a prissy sneer. 

"Why should it matter so much to you?" I return the sneer with a sneer of my very own trademark sneers.

"Well, considering how I'll probably die of hypothermia before you even get a chance to start this case," He trailed off, so I pushed him into the street.

Unfortunately, it was a cross walk and it was safe to go. I'll try again later. 

"Don't worry, moron, in this heat it'll take you a good long time before you can die of hypothermia."

"HEY! Is that anyway to talk to a client?"

"I don't HAVE to take this case you know." Sure it was a lie, but who cares.

"All right, all right, fine." He quieted slightly as we entered the bar.

It was a nice place. Usually pretty quiet except when the owner Tae was around. She could be pretty rowdy for a dame. And tonight was our lucky night. Both Tae AND her sister were here. They were dragging one really sloshed Aoshi, a regular at this joint, up onto the mini stage insisting that he sing. 

I was hanging up my trench coat andhat while the boy was shaking out the umbrella. The room was filled with the drunk man's singing. Slurred words about love lost have never sounded more beautiful, and more painful to my ears. I looked down at the kid who, apparently, wasn't familiar with the concept of an umbrella(Basically, he couldn't get it closed.) He was still drenched. I had mind enough to hang him up next to my wet coat.

Snatching my umbrella back and shutting it, I hung it up on the rack next to my hat and coat and shoved the kid towards the dining area. The drunkard was now sobbing into the microphone about how he's been replaced by a little girl. Whatever was the story, he sounded pretty damn pathetic.

Soon, Sae came and took our order. I, of course, ordered Kake-soba, because that's all I ever order. It's all I ever want really. My life would be fine if I could just sit in the quiet of my office just eating soba all day and reading the paper. Of course, life's a bitch goddess.

Sanosuke, however, decided to order everything on the damn menu. Well, maybe not literally, but it could have been.

When Sae was finished writing down his order she laughed and asked "Would you like the kitchen sink with that, cutie?" Cutie? My, my Sae could your flirting be any more obvious? No, I wasn't jealous. I just like being the center of attention. It's a Capricorn trait. Not that I believe any of that crap.

Before Sae could run off I asked her if she could bring some dry towels out for our soggy little 'rooster'. Now to get down to business.

"Okay, do you have any possible motifs that Kenshin might be using in his kidnaping of your cat."I still can't believe I took this case.

"Of course! I know exactly why. He wants me around because I'm loaded with dough!"

"Explain."

"Well, my adopted father, Souzou Sagara, he ran this huge business. You must have heard of it. The Sekihoutai Corporation. When he died, he left half of the shares of the company to me, and half of the shares to my brother Katsu. Kenshin, being the sly bastard he is, figured that if he could get me to be joined with him legally in some way that would make him accessible to my fortune. So he took me as a lover, brought me into his little crime world, and we got a kitty together. And me being the naive young innocent I was I believed him whole heartedly that he cared for me as a person and not for my money." 

At this point the 'naive young innocent' picked up a napkin off the table and began dabbing at his eyes. He was making sniffing noises and glancing up at me, probably to see if I was falling for this little act. And the award goes to...

"Well, you can imagine how shocked I was to find him and his hussy of a woman together in OUR bed. I was outraged! I grabbed little Mew-mew and my personal belongings and left him. Toot sweet. I'm sure Kenshin was so enraged at me leaving, along with my money and our little baby Mew-mew." At this he was now grinning evilly, then he realized he was supposed to be some sort of a victim and he resumed his crying act. Where the hell was Sae with my soba anyway?

"Alright, I think I get the basic gist of your little soap opera. Where is Kenshin hiding out anyway?"

The kid had an attention span of a brick. He put down his napkin and tilted his head.

"Well, I'm not really sure. He has lots of little hide outs. He most likely though will be at his illegal hidden casino, 'Speak Easy', that's down by the docs.

Why is everything down by the docs in situations like this?

"But he also has an apartment uptown. That's where he usually goes to be with his little so and so woman." He was clenching his fist. The kid must have really not seen the other woman coming. Should I call her the other woman? Considering, she was the only WOMAN? Unless, you count Kenshin as one.

Sae finally arrived with our food, how she carried all the plates on that tray with her tiny arms will never cease to amaze me. Ah, but there was my soba. Smiling up at me. The one true mistress in my life. Tokio and I have an understanding about that. Soba will always be first.

"SAITOU!" Apparently the kid had been trying to get my attention since the food was brought.

"What? Do you mind? I'm enjoying my soba."

"Well, I thought you'd might like to know the hide outs considering that's what you asked!" The kid barked at me through mouthfuls of food.

"Fine, fine. You can tell me when I'm finished. It's soba time. No one interrupts" It's true. No one.

  
  


TBC

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Saitou-san sure loves his soba, ne? This chapter seemed short....


	3. Safehouse?

Hajime Saitou P.I.

Case of the Ahou and His Kitty

  
  
  
  


I finished up my Soba just in time to watch the little brat start into an entire cheesecake. I wondered how he stayed so lanky while he ate so much. It must be do to his rampant extracurricular activities. The hussy. 

Rather than continue watching him gorge himself silly with this food, while wearing a towel on his head, which he looked like some holy being sent from above with it on, I opted to get right to work. Hajime Saitou is efficient. Hajime Saitou is no slacker. Hajime Saitou is a hard worker. 

I got up from the table, yet somehow this upset the child. He stood up with a fork hanging out of his mouth and a strawberry falling from his mouth and onto the table.

"Just where in the HELL do you think YOU'RE going!?" He shouted at me, almost spraying me with graham cracker crumbs.

"I'm going to go do what you paid me to do!" I snarled back at him. Usually, snarling works on my own sons. Not this one though.

Rather, he slid the fork against his lip, tilted his head and batted his eyes at me.

"But that would ruin our date, Ha-chan."

And with that I turned right around on my heels and went for the door. I felt him stand there shocked, I could tell his mouth was hanging open and I heard the fork drop to the floor with a metallic clink. Then, almost instantly he was clinging to my waist. 

I was shocked to say the least! But I didn't let on. I never lose my cool. Dammit.

He was wailing into my hip bone, "You can't leave me alone! It's not safe for me to be alone!! Kenshin will come after me! He'll hunt me down and kill me. Then I'll have to haunt my apartment and move teacups around so people think they're being attacked by evil, evil poltergeists! I'll never reach nirvana that waaaaaaaaa~~~~~yyyy!!! Saitooooouuuuu!!!"

Well, of course now everyone in the bar was looking at us. I was nearly boiling with either anger or embarrassment. Maybe both. 

You should know I don't deal with being embarrassed very well. So I grabbed the kid by the arm and yanked him towards the door. I thrust my umbrella into his arms and put on my coat and hat. Then I pushed him out the door. I've been told I'm too pushy. Those people have been pushed onto a third rail. Well, maybe not literally.

I didn't stop pushing him until we were in the garage in my office building. After a while the kid got quite tired of being pushed around, so he whirled around and screamed in my face.

"NOW WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!?"

I felt it was best to keep a low, quiet, calm tone. It adds to the mood of the scene better.

"I'm taking you where you can be safe and leave me the hell alone to do my job, the job that YOU are paying me for." I accented 'you' by poking one of my long fingers into his chest.

"Safe?"

"Just get in the car." I pushed him into the back seat of my car. Then I climbed into the drivers and set off.

And if I had any hope of a quiet ride, I was dead wrong. I figured as much though.

The kid was pestering me the ENTIRE way.

"Ne, ne! Saitou, where're we going?"

"To a safe house. My home. You can stay there until I solve this case. And believe me I will." Yeah, I know this doesn't seem like the smartest thing to do. But maybe I would get lucky and Tokio would kill him. Here's hoping.

"Ooooooooooh, scandalous! Do you treat all your clients this way?"

"The really annoying ones I shoot myself."

"Awww, then that means you like me best!" He giggled. That right there was enough to make me run this car off a cliff.

"Let's see, now where exactly does Kenshin hang out? I can drop you off there." He ignored my threat. The cheeky bastard.

"Ne, ne, ne, Saitou?"

"What?"

"Do you think we can swing by my house and pick up my stuff?"

"No. Be quiet."

"Do you have cable?"

"Shut up."

And literally it went on like that for hours. I figured if anything else in this case was as bad as that car ride, it would be a breeze. It felt as if I were a snake slithering over shards of broken glass. So when we FINALLY made it to my apartment, I threw him through the doorway, and attached a note to his shirt.

"Now, if you want to survive, don't take this paper off of you."

Then, I marched my OH so cheerful self right out of that building to make my way uptown to Kenshin's apartment.

Being that I'm ever so brilliant, I figured Kenshin would have this place under a pseudonym. A name which I easily figured out. Really, could he have tried LESS?

Arumih Nihsnek. It was too easy! I mean honestly. Do villains even TRY anymore?

Now that I was here, I needed a way to be buzzed into the building.

Problem solved. A nice elderly couple was leaving the building at the same time. So, I stuck my foot out and caught the door. Sometimes, I think I'm TOO slick. But, I really can't deny the truth. I just AM that good.

Reaching Kenshin's, or should I say Nihsnek's, apartment, I scrounged up a clever plan.

I tapped at the door in a nice friendly manner. Waiting, I could hear a female voice muttering profane comments about being dragged out of a nice nap before work. Whether it was Kenshin's voice or Kaoru's, well, who can tell. 

The door flew open but was stopped short by the 'safe and protective' minuscule chain. 

I was slightly surprised at how young she was. So Kenshin turned from a fairy to a cradle robber?

"How ya doin', miss? I gaht dis message frum head office sayin' dat yas oven was defective. Ay'm 'ere ta make shoore dat was a legit statement so as we can get around to makin' shoore ya lovely peoples can get a new oven. One dat isn't on da voige of explodin' ya lovely haus and home sky hoi." Doesn't my Brooklyn accent just boggle your mind? Hajime Saitou, master of disguise.

"What? Our oven is defective? Well, alright. Come on in." Now, I'm not going to say she was stupid. Because I'm sure somewhere in her mind is common sense. As to where it was at the time, I can't say. Basically what I'm saying is that, ladies, if you're home alone, never, EVER open a door to a strange man. No matter how convincing their story is. Hajime Saitou cares.

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
